A Picture of My Father: Fearless Living with Christ

by Amy Carlson- Director of Marketing and Communications at Youth Haven

I was always a fearful kid. For as long as I can remember, I've had dreams that play out in full color and with vivid details. They're not all nightmares, but those tend to be the ones that awaken me. The ones I remember. Some of the dreams I had as a child are seared into my memory, and I can still describe them to you.

I have also always had a hard time falling asleep. I am so jealous of people who fall asleep the moment their head hits the pillow. That is not me. Never has been. When I was really little, my dad would lie on the bed beside me to keep me from getting up. I don't remember it, but he often told me he would lie on his back with his arms folded, and I would take my little hands and carefully unfold his arms. Then I would fold them again. And unfold them. And fold them. Apparently I would do this until I either felt at peace or grew too tired to keep my eyes open. I've always found that amusing, because I don't think my dad would typically be described as someone with extreme patience. But when it came to helping me through my fears, he was immensely patient.

When my brother was old enough to need his own room, I moved into my older sister's bedroom. I think she was a lot less thrilled with that than I was, but we had two girls and one boy, and only two upstairs bedrooms, so she didn't have a choice. I remember lying in bed at night and looking over at her, sleeping soundly. I would think to myself, "When I'm big like her, I won't be scared anymore." But growing up didn't automatically take the fears away.

On those nights when I would wake up from a frightening dream, which ended up being almost every night, I would climb out of bed and sneak downstairs to my parents' bedroom. The problem is, once I got there, I was afraid I would get in trouble for getting out of bed. But I was too scared to go back upstairs. So I would just stand there, saying nothing, just breathing, until my dad woke up. And do you know what? I never got in trouble for being afraid. I did almost end up in a headlock one night when he was startled awake by my figure hovering over him, but I never got in trouble for my fears.

The summer before third grade, we moved into a new house in a new city, and we all had our own rooms! I loved having my own room... until nighttime. Now I had to face the darkness and the night alone. The thing about the layout of our new house was that my room was at one end of the hallway, my sister's room was at the other end, and there was a light switch outside each of our doors. I wanted it light, and she wanted it dark, so we would have light switch wars. I would turn the hallway light on, and she would turn it off. I would turn it back on, and she would turn it off. We would go on like this until, finally, my mom would yell up the stairs for us to knock it off and go to sleep.

Through all of it, there was one person who understood me better than anyone else. My dad never made me feel ashamed of my fears. Never told me there was nothing to be afraid of or that I just needed to be brave. Because to me, there were lots of things to be afraid of, and I desperately wanted to be brave, but I didn't know how. Instead, he did something remarkable: he took a twin mattress we weren't using and stored it under my bed. Whenever I was afraid at night, he would pull the mattress out and lie there until I fell asleep. Sometimes, as I was drifting off, I would reach over the side of the bed, just to make sure he was still there. He always was. And when Daddy was there, I knew I didn't have to be afraid.

I didn't even realize it at the time, but my dad gave me the most amazingly beautiful picture of my Heavenly Father. He doesn't want us to be afraid, but He never shames us or gets angry with us when we are. He simply wants us to know He's there, and with Him beside us, we don't need to be afraid.

That doesn't mean we'll never face hardships in this life. Turns out, my dad couldn't protect me from everything. God can, but He doesn't always. Sometimes He allows us to go through things we'd rather not experience. But He is right there with us through it all, holding us and covering us with His love. He uses everything He allows in our lives to mold us into the image of His Son. And He is always, always good. Reach out. I promise you, He is there.